I Do? Oh Sorry, You Can’t

The Gay Marriage Debate

In most of the world, homosexual citizens cannot marry the person they love. 50 years ago African Americans couldn’t drink from the same water fountain as their Caucasian neighbour. We think times have changed? Please. We may have swapped The Beatles for Bieber and bowl cuts for quifs, but we are as backward as ever. In another 50 years, future generations will look down on us. Am I wrong in thinking this is the apartheid of our generation?

I woke up this morning and checked Twitter in the bleary haze of too much wine and last night’s mascara. The Project tweeted that “marriage equality was a driving theme behind yesterday’s Mardi Gras”. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I live in a country, in a world, that tells some people that they can’t marry, with no good reason why. Go ahead. Argue with me. Give me one solid, bulletproof reason why allowing gay marriage would be the death of modern society. Religion? Politics? Bull.

Photo from here

Honey. The gays are modern society. They’re not cordoned off in the festive part of town. They’re our parents, our teachers, our brothers, our nieces. They are us.

I propose a new rule. If you want to treat homosexuals as second-class citizens, be my unwelcome guest*. But you’ll have to forfeit any form of entertainment or service containing a homosexual person forever. That means no Ellen DeGeneres. You can’t watch Neil Patrick Harris in How I Met Your Mother. That’s right. You’ll never know who the mother is, you slimy git. No Adam Richards. No Hannah Gadsby. No Magda Szubanksi. No Justice Kirby. Perhaps your mailman is gay. No mail for you. Ever.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, yes, but do we listen intently to the “opinions” of racists?

NO.

Why?

BECAUSE THEY’RE FRIGGIN’ MENTAL.

Marriage

Please don’t tell me that opposing gay marriage doesn’t mean you think being gay is wrong. It may just be a piece of paper and a couple of gold rings, and good on you if you don’t need or want that. To me, the act of marrying is a sacred promise. Forget religion. It’s you standing in front of the world vowing to bind yourself to another forever. It’s special. (I don’t know about you, but I can’t even commit to a regular haircut.)

If you can stand in front of someone and tell them that because they’re attracted to the same sex they'll never be able to make that promise, you think homosexuality is wrong.

Who the %$#@! does it harm?

I went to a Catholic school. Now, I loved my school, and they did a lot of stuff right. But in Year 12, for some religion assignment that I probably scribbled in a fit of fear the night before it was due, a member of the Church came in and spoke to us about the establishment’s opinion on global issues, including gay marriage.

I wasn’t too offended by it. They weren’t horrible or rude and no one was surprised; we knew their stance.

Recently someone told me that their sibling (who happens to be gay) had to sit through that same speech. Had to sit and politely listen to someone tell them that gay marriage was wrong; and that God only wants men and women to be coupled. The hair on my arms stands on end at the mere thought of it. We sat in a room and heard about how wrong gay marriage was. And that was considered ok. Fine. Just part of our education.

Our school had to consider that some of us might be gay. That at least one kid in that room probably had a gay parent, brother, sister or uncle.

How did they think that kid would feel? Did they think? Did they assume homosexuals are so fabulous that they have no feelings? Did they assume that none of us were gay? Or - worst of all - did the potential hurt feelings of a gay student not even factor as a factor?

Would we force a Jewish person to sit through a speech detailing the merits of Nazism? (Ok - maybe it isn't quite on that scale, but you see where I'm going here).

There is something so deeply wrong with a society that discriminates against citizens for aspects of their identity that are beyond their control. There is something absolutely VILE about a society that considers it appropriate to calmly discuss this discrimination without considering it might be offensive.

Furthermore, if someone DID choose to be gay (maybe I’ll get into the Cynthia Nixon choice debate another day) - WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF OURS? Are they harming us? Is their sexual orientation doing ANYTHING to us personally? 

Now. I don’t know Jesus. Didn’t have the pleasure. Regardless of whether you believe, he said some nice stuff. He told us to love one another. He dared associate with members of society that others condemned. He sat with them. He talked with them. He treated them as his equal.

If you’re going to cower behind your faith to protest gay marriage, sit yourself down and read between the lines.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Fifty years ago there were people that hated African Americans for no other reason than the shade of their skin. And you know what? Those despicable people still exist. We can’t wait for everyone to be ok with gay. It’s never going to happen.

Julia, I know you have a lot on your plate. That Abbott douche keeps egging your car and pulling your pigtails (metaphorically, though I wouldn’t put it past him).

But come on. It’s time.

 

*Please note – this sentence contained the f-word. I felt it would be detrimental to my argument, but man I liked it there.

Do We Have A Problem?

"The happiest day of every girl's life is not when she gets married or pregnant or is set for life, but when the online order finally arrives at her door step... pure bliss." Discuss.

There comes a time in every woman's life when she catches sight of herself in her receipts mirror, and realises she's over-shopped. You realise you didn't really need those dove grey pumps. That this headband is way too OTT, and will be relegated to the headband cemetery with all the other fabulous purple glitter coated mistakes.

The problem is, these days, if you're having an ugly day, you may be couch-detained in frumpy gear and a scrunchy, but your credit card is most likely BOUNDING over the Atlantic.

(Metaphorically. Unless your card has been stolen, it's probably with you and the seven packets of Tim Tams on the couch).

The opening quote was posted online by a dear friend of mine. I immediately giggled and responded in the most enthusiastic caps lock. Post-giggles, I was again struck by something that's been bothering me lately. Why do we buy, and why does it feel so good?

 

The spoils of Ala Moana. I feel giddy.

Too many of us have liked shopping for too long for it to be a fad. It's not a trend, it's not a phase. Hell - it's a sport. You forage through your favourite stores. Given enough time, a true shopper will even rummage through the non-favourites. The mature lady stores, the cheap Asian outlets. The Kmarts. The Big Ws. (Correction - these are my favourites).

You sprint to the sales rack. You flip through with the speed of an Olympic sprinter; the precision of a gold medal archer. 

You improve with training. You get better at knowing what will or won’t flatter. You know a decent price-tag when you see one, and you know how to feign a frown at a counter when you 'spot' a loose stitch (that you spotted twenty minutes ago and decided to fix anyway). Most importantly, you know how to smile sweetly when the salesgirl suggests a ten per cent discount. 

Here's where the game changed; online. There's no instant gratification, no rushing home to show hide it from Mum/boyfriend/cat. You're now seventy bucks out of pocket, and you have nothing to show for it. But shit's about to get crazy.

There's now a heightened sense of excitement. You've hunted further than anyone else. Chances are minimised of someone else owning what will soon be yours. You will be the envy of every woman who dreams of being able to pull off a pair of canary yellow brogues. Seven to ten days delivery? The anticipation! The FEAR that it got lost on the way. The FURY when it hasn't arrived on the seventh day. The frustration that you might actually have to wait til the tenth day like all the other schmucks. The terrifying thought that it might not fit. The SWEET SWEET ELATION WHEN IT DOES! 

Lucy has a problem.

I have this theory. Cavemen. Lionesses. Emperor penguins. We’ve just evolved in the era of the loyalty card. We no longer set out to hunt for food. We don’t impress the rest of the tribe with how much mammoth-bacon we bring home – we now whip out the Olga Berg, the Steve Madden, the MAC lipstick.

'Oooh, ahhh!', the tribe exclaims in the nightclub bathrooms. On holiday, my sole reason for buying a cheap pair of Steve Maddens was to see the look on a friend's face.

Ron Haynes' article Why Do You Shop? 10 Reasons And How To Change Your Shopping Habit reveals we even get some other items with our shiny new purchases. Emotional reward, feeling cool, acceptance. Escape. We get these free of charge! Hooray, bargain, lucky us!

No matter what you buy, how much it cost, or how you bought it, the end result is the same: I bought this and it makes me look and feel fabulous.

Reading those points makes me feel icky. And like I should race out to the nearest nursing home to volunteer. Did I buy that fabulous gold sequinned shirt from Sportsgirl because I liked it, or because I was trying to feel better about myself? Did I buy it because, God forbid I return home from Sydney without having bought anything? Return to the tribe empty-handed? No no no.

Children are starving. Children are dying. Grown men are carting their entire life down the same street every day in a small sad duffle bag. Preventable diseases are rampant and lethal; and here I am, clean, fed, educated and considering a stupid floral purse?

Yeeeeesh. I feel awful. Unless your last name is DeVille (fabulous faux by the way darl), I'm guessing you might too. This piece started as a (hopefully) humourous blow-by-blow description of the online shopping process. And now I've guilted the crap outta myself. I am completely lost in the murky waters of conscience. Let's work through this.

Logically: if you give generously to the less fortunate (and I don't mean your pal who doesn't yet own Mimco), there is nothing wrong with shopping. There is nothing wrong with rewarding yourself for working hard.

... Right?

Then why do I feel so slimy right now?